seawasp (seawasp) wrote,
seawasp
seawasp

Sleepless, ill, depressed

With a new baby, some sleeplessness is to be expected. Vicky was very uncomfortable last night, clingy to mommy, whiny, restless; upshot being, neither of us slept much. If my sleep is interrupted too much, I tend to feel WORSE than if I got no sleep at all. We have reached this point (in fact, reached it around 3:30 - 4:00 this morning). This is undoubtedly one of the reasons I feel like utter crap this morning -- stomach, nose, etc., etc. I will be useless at work, so I'm going to stay home today, even though this just means I'm going to have to work longer or harder or something to make up for it; I can't spare the time. Gah.

And finally this all ties into being depressed -- whether the depression is helping cause it all or just making it worse, I don't know. But I do know the main cause of the depression. It's something that will seem trivial to many, especially compared to things other people -- even on my own friends list -- are and have been going through. But it's something intensely personal to me that it's loomed far larger over my life than most people would ever recognize.

When I was a kid, there was only one insult that REALLY hurt. It wasn't the nastiest, viewed objectively, but it was to me the most hateful because it was directed at a characteristic of mine that wasn't my choice, wasn't my fault, and wasn't under my control. (I suspect this may have some bearing on why I could never understand prejudice in otherwise apparently intelligent people). The insult? "Four-eyes".

I got glasses when I was 7. I hated them from the moment I put them on. Aside from their occasional convenience as protective shields, I've hated them with a passion ever since, and the insults just made it worse. I always harbored the conviction that one day science would find a way to fix someone's eyes. RK was invented, but it wasn't for me; my eyes were already too flat and the slight change RK might offer wouldn't be a significant improvement.

But new procedures were invented... I just couldn't afford them. Finally, with a contract for a book co-authored with Eric Flint (Boundary), I talked with Kathleen, and I earmarked the check from my half of the advance to be my new eyeballs.

Yesterday I went to the Lasik-Plus center near me for the preliminary examination.

"You are not recommended for this procedure." the evaluator said, with genuine regret.

My left eye would be fine, but my right eye apparently would, if operated on, end up with too little corneal thickness to be safe.

I guess I get new glasses. I cannot describe the depressing anger and frustration this leaves.

I sure hope I can get some good news from somewhere to counteract it.
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